Shivery to Idiots: Hi, I'm Earth, have we met?

You guys. I just. I don't know if I even have anything to add.

Let Gawker fill you in on the details.



Check back here for further comment, once I'm through beating my brains out with my keyboard.

Teabagging Baucus

So the senate finance committee essentially killed the public option today. Which means there will be one less option, a seriously devastating loss of an option, if and when healthcare reform is passed. We have many factors to blame for this, another in a long line of democratic failures.

For shifting the debate from vitriolic spewing of misinformed hatred at town hall meetings to vitriolic spewing of misinformed hatred in front of congress. Obama gave a great speech. It descended to the level of debate preferred by Kanye West.

The central argument against the public option was that it was socialist, since the government would get far too involved and fuck everything up. You know, like other socialist fuck-ups, the library, firefighters, the post office. Also, competition would run the current healthcare providers into the ground. Like how FedEx, UPS and DHL are no longer in business.

Don't think I'll forget the teabaggers. As I mentioned before, this raucous group of moronic individuals helped the press paint a one-sided picture of a public that doesn't want the government in their business. Like they do with medicare! Oh wait...we like medicare? And medicaid? Fuck. Whatever, I'll yell some shit anyway!

But perhaps most importantly is the guy that led us down this fail of a path in the first place, Max Baucus. Put simply, you suck, sir.

I hope you enjoy that money you'll get from big healthcare out of this. You'll need it when we vote your sorry ass out of senate.

Fast Frank and the Art of Screwing Yourself

Unfortunately, I work in financial services. This is not because I'm particularly good at math, care about money or got an economics degree (none of those things are true). This is because I needed a job and this is where I got one. Along with a steady paycheck and health benefits, the perks include great gossip and -- well, actually that's pretty much it, unless you consider getting a socioeconomic golden shower everyday a perk. Here's what I learned at work today:

Nowadays, ponzi schemers are dropping faster than Glenn Beck's ad revenue. It seems like everyday there's another story about some fraudulent loser getting busted by the SEC (who have finally decided to show up to work, apparently). I generally glaze over these stories because a) I don't really fucking care and b) reading them just makes me angry. But the story that broke today of Michigan broker "Fast" Frank Bluestein being charged in connection to the E-M Management Company fraud of 2007 really got me riled up. According to the WSJ:

The SEC doesn't allege that the 59-year-old Mr. Bluestein knowingly solicited older investors to invest in a fraud. But the agency's complaint says he failed to conduct due diligence before telling seniors that E-M securities were low-risk investments, and did little to investigate the legitimacy of E-M offerings despite being confronted with what the SEC says were numerous red flags.

The agency also alleges that Mr. Bluestein failed to disclose that he received $2.4 million of commissions from May and E-M on top of the $1.4 million in disclosed compensation he got from Fast Frank.

This is really fucking annoying for a few reasons. One: being paid to ignore clearly illegal activities is such a cowardly kind of crime. You're not even being a PRODUCTIVE criminal. You're passively leeching off of real criminals while you actively leech off of the poor stupid idiots you've convinced to invest with you. Two: even if you weren't connected to a major ponzi scheme, neglecting to report $2.4 million in commissions is fucking illegal, you mouth-breather. You're obviously going down for something. Three, I don't care who you are, what kind of work you do, or what your target audience is; the company name Fast Frank Inc. sort of draws attention to your less savory characteristics, doesn't it? Like, I don't know, being a fat, greasy liar?

Finally, just please everyone, unless you want to really get busted for something or have something terrible come back to bite you in the ass, don't ever, EVER take a picture like this in your office:

.0526315

Hey doods!

I know I'm, like, a full month behind on this particular chunk of news, but you have to understand - I was trapped in what I thought was a hurricane. I was poised to write you all a brief yet sincere apology for getting so worked up in my last post when WHOOOOOOOOOSH. I was whisked away into a nightmarish weather system. Or so I thought.

Really, I was just feeling the atmospheric and emotional effects - as we all did, really - of Michelle Duggar getting fucking knocked up again. Nineteen.

Ninteen babies. One vagine. In case you were wondering, 1 divided by 19 is .0526315. I'm no mathematician, but that basically means that ol' M. Dug only has 5% of a hoo-ha left. Wait, that's not right, is it?

Anyway. This is not really a shock. Michelle is 42, but will probably continue to spawn until the late 2100's. Here's the real shocker. I want to warn you, the images you're about to see are extremely disturbing.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

You guys. Look at her hair. What is this?? What IS THIS? Did she know all along? I don't know what to make of this.

And really, it just keeps getting better and better. Remember how their eldest oopsie-daisy is expecting a child with his newly pubescent bride? Do you also recall how they are going to name all their kids names with an M? Ladies and gentlemen, October will give you Mackynzie Renee. Yeah, that's not a typo.

So, what do you think guys? What comes out of .0526315 next? Here's hoping for Jenjamin. Or another one of these. I think .0526315 can probably squeeze one of these out during a commercial break:

Speaking of Assholes...

Imma Let You Finish, But You're An Asshole!

No, this has nothing to do with Kanye. Who wants to read about that asshole anymore? Especially when there are far more worthy assholes due for primal, disgusting violation than that windbag? For instance, John Edwards.

Oh, John Edwards, where do I even begin?

Let's start from the top, shall we?

When you told your mistress you were going to marry her? A little skeezy, but ok.

On a rooftop in NYC? A bit ostentatious, but sure, you go for that, you politician, you.

With Dave Matthews Band playing? Alright, that's a little fratty douche of you, but you do that, sure (I'll bring the Ed Hardy and Affliction tuxedos).

Now here's where you get all asshole on me. After your wife dies? Of breast cancer? Cock.

That's suck a bastard move, I have no way of even explaining myself here. You know it's a cock move though. And here's how I know you know this:

Because you fucking coerced your staffer to take the fall and tell the press that the baby was his! WTF? And then, after agreeing to a paternity test, tried to find a doctor that would forge it. Class, John Edwards. Pissing 100% class.

Now, let me just say that I don't care about sex scandals. Sex scandals are a dime a dozen. People like their shit freaky. The more power they have, the more stress in the job, the freakier it gets.

I don't care if your mistress is shoving broken Coke bottles up your ass sans lube. Personally, I could give a shit (or you couldn't, due to ass shards). But when you plot, scam and lie your way out of that hole you dug for yourself, you make me hate you. And more importantly, you lose your credibility.

All those merit points you got while being that milky white, "hard working American," southern gentleman on the Kerry campaign? Gone. Your family? (should be) Gone. Your credibility as a human being with feelings and a general moral compass? Do I even have to say it?

In summation: Fail, John Edwards. Fail.

An Introduction to Shivery McPickles: Duggarmaniaphobia

Hi kids. Shivery, here. We've not been introduced. I really apologize for that, but there's been this bag of Natural Cheetos on my counter and a Top Chef marathon on for the last, I don't know, three years of my life.

But I've broken loose. And I want to tell you a little bit about myself.



I have never aspired to hate rich people. In fact, I'm related to a few of them. I can appreciate the fact that people who work hard and are persistent get rewarded with success. Here is my plea to all of the richies who are, doubtless, pouring over this blog with unbridled concern for what I have to say to them: Please don't be an asshole about it. Please don't tell me that you are at the epicenter of the recession. Please don't ask, as I've just heard a man query on a Bay Ridge Lexus commercial, "Is it Lexuses? Or Lexii? I have four."

Excuse me, sir, is it lobotomies? Or lobotomii?

I mean, is the worst thing about this that he is the most repugnant, self-satisfied, grammatically clueless TWAT in Brooklyn? Or is it the brash, blatant, go-fuck-yourself air of societal and ecological irresponsibility?

Which really brings me to the meat and potatoes of what I want to talk to you about. And by meat and potatoes, I mean Roast Beef Curtains.


I heard the news today that the Duggar clan was expanding and I thought to myself, Michelle Duggar probably squeezes out another child every time she rolls over, sleepless, in bed and thinks about what could have happened if she'd just finished college and not married the walking bag of sperm twitching in his sleep beside her.

As it turns out, Michelle has managed to ward off Jim Bob's constant jabbing for long enough to let her brand new daughter-in-law have a bit of the pussy-flapping glory. Joshua Duggar, the eldest Duggar child, and therefore least FUCKED in the J-name department (I'm looking at you, Jinger), has managed to inseminate something not related to him.

In case you've been hiding under a rock for the last few years (or, possibly in the cloaking folds of Michelle's hoo-ha) here's a Duggar primer: Jim Bob and Michelle were "normal" young people. They lead a heathenous life, sploshing around in the sin of human flesh (by this I mean, used contraception). One day, Michelle's birth control took the day off, she got knocked up, and I believe, miscarried. This course of events led young Michelle and Jim Bob to decide that God hates birth control. God loves it when you screw your spouse until they don't even have the energy to update their hairstyle for two or three decades, but only if you're succumbing to his will in the process. Oh yeah, God has a total boner for your obedience. The Duggars decided to throw caution to the wind and have as many children as God wanted them to.

Not to bore you, but let me posit a theory: Has anyone considered that "God causing you to miscarry" could just as easily mean he doesn't want you to contribute 18 screaming, drooling, shitting, new religious wackadoodles to the universe?

Jim Bob Duggar is a rich asshole. Or, at least, he would be, if he didn't have 18 fucking kids. Instead, they all eat Campbell's soup every night, ride to church in a TOUR BUS, have a TV show and generally infuriate the shit out of me.

The Lexii guy and the Duggars are the same kinds of gaping assholes to me (although not Michelle, I don't think you can impregnate an anus... yet). Whether you want four cars, 18 kids, 6 houses or a $28 million chair, you are CONSUMING CONSPICUOUSLY. Does our planet, stretched to the absolute breaking point (I promise, no more vag jokes) need 18 more garbage-machines? Does anyone else find this totally fucking irresponsible??

Just in case anyone has any concerns as to whether or not Joshua Duggar and his new bride Anna (20) are planning on following in Ma and Pa D's footsteps:

When asked on the Today show if they were planning on following tradition and naming all their kids according to a certain letter, they said they'd been thinking about the letter M. Hmm. Mathusela? Mattathias? Mmmdirt-nap? Go take one.