But I've broken loose. And I want to tell you a little bit about myself.
I have never aspired to hate rich people. In fact, I'm related to a few of them. I can appreciate the fact that people who work hard and are persistent get rewarded with success. Here is my plea to all of the richies who are, doubtless, pouring over this blog with unbridled concern for what I have to say to them: Please don't be an asshole about it. Please don't tell me that you are at the epicenter of the recession. Please don't ask, as I've just heard a man query on a Bay Ridge Lexus commercial, "Is it Lexuses? Or Lexii? I have four."
Excuse me, sir, is it lobotomies? Or lobotomii?
I mean, is the worst thing about this that he is the most repugnant, self-satisfied, grammatically clueless TWAT in Brooklyn? Or is it the brash, blatant, go-fuck-yourself air of societal and ecological irresponsibility?
Which really brings me to the meat and potatoes of what I want to talk to you about. And by meat and potatoes, I mean Roast Beef Curtains.
I heard the news today that the Duggar clan was expanding and I thought to myself, Michelle Duggar probably squeezes out another child every time she rolls over, sleepless, in bed and thinks about what could have happened if she'd just finished college and not married the walking bag of sperm twitching in his sleep beside her.
As it turns out, Michelle has managed to ward off Jim Bob's constant jabbing for long enough to let her brand new daughter-in-law have a bit of the pussy-flapping glory. Joshua Duggar, the eldest Duggar child, and therefore least FUCKED in the J-name department (I'm looking at you, Jinger), has managed to inseminate something not related to him.
In case you've been hiding under a rock for the last few years (or, possibly in the cloaking folds of Michelle's hoo-ha) here's a Duggar primer: Jim Bob and Michelle were "normal" young people. They lead a heathenous life, sploshing around in the sin of human flesh (by this I mean, used contraception). One day, Michelle's birth control took the day off, she got knocked up, and I believe, miscarried. This course of events led young Michelle and Jim Bob to decide that God hates birth control. God loves it when you screw your spouse until they don't even have the energy to update their hairstyle for two or three decades, but only if you're succumbing to his will in the process. Oh yeah, God has a total boner for your obedience. The Duggars decided to throw caution to the wind and have as many children as God wanted them to.
Not to bore you, but let me posit a theory: Has anyone considered that "God causing you to miscarry" could just as easily mean he doesn't want you to contribute 18 screaming, drooling, shitting, new religious wackadoodles to the universe?
Jim Bob Duggar is a rich asshole. Or, at least, he would be, if he didn't have 18 fucking kids. Instead, they all eat Campbell's soup every night, ride to church in a TOUR BUS, have a TV show and generally infuriate the shit out of me.
The Lexii guy and the Duggars are the same kinds of gaping assholes to me (although not Michelle, I don't think you can impregnate an anus... yet). Whether you want four cars, 18 kids, 6 houses or a $28 million chair, you are CONSUMING CONSPICUOUSLY. Does our planet, stretched to the absolute breaking point (I promise, no more vag jokes) need 18 more garbage-machines? Does anyone else find this totally fucking irresponsible??
Just in case anyone has any concerns as to whether or not Joshua Duggar and his new bride Anna (20) are planning on following in Ma and Pa D's footsteps:
When asked on the Today show if they were planning on following tradition and naming all their kids according to a certain letter, they said they'd been thinking about the letter M. Hmm. Mathusela? Mattathias? Mmmdirt-nap? Go take one.
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