Fast Frank and the Art of Screwing Yourself

Unfortunately, I work in financial services. This is not because I'm particularly good at math, care about money or got an economics degree (none of those things are true). This is because I needed a job and this is where I got one. Along with a steady paycheck and health benefits, the perks include great gossip and -- well, actually that's pretty much it, unless you consider getting a socioeconomic golden shower everyday a perk. Here's what I learned at work today:

Nowadays, ponzi schemers are dropping faster than Glenn Beck's ad revenue. It seems like everyday there's another story about some fraudulent loser getting busted by the SEC (who have finally decided to show up to work, apparently). I generally glaze over these stories because a) I don't really fucking care and b) reading them just makes me angry. But the story that broke today of Michigan broker "Fast" Frank Bluestein being charged in connection to the E-M Management Company fraud of 2007 really got me riled up. According to the WSJ:

The SEC doesn't allege that the 59-year-old Mr. Bluestein knowingly solicited older investors to invest in a fraud. But the agency's complaint says he failed to conduct due diligence before telling seniors that E-M securities were low-risk investments, and did little to investigate the legitimacy of E-M offerings despite being confronted with what the SEC says were numerous red flags.

The agency also alleges that Mr. Bluestein failed to disclose that he received $2.4 million of commissions from May and E-M on top of the $1.4 million in disclosed compensation he got from Fast Frank.

This is really fucking annoying for a few reasons. One: being paid to ignore clearly illegal activities is such a cowardly kind of crime. You're not even being a PRODUCTIVE criminal. You're passively leeching off of real criminals while you actively leech off of the poor stupid idiots you've convinced to invest with you. Two: even if you weren't connected to a major ponzi scheme, neglecting to report $2.4 million in commissions is fucking illegal, you mouth-breather. You're obviously going down for something. Three, I don't care who you are, what kind of work you do, or what your target audience is; the company name Fast Frank Inc. sort of draws attention to your less savory characteristics, doesn't it? Like, I don't know, being a fat, greasy liar?

Finally, just please everyone, unless you want to really get busted for something or have something terrible come back to bite you in the ass, don't ever, EVER take a picture like this in your office: